You've got the Love

So why don't you try internet dating? Everyone is doing it these days. It's not weird. People are far too busy these days to meet anyone, so people are using the tools available to meet each other without the time and cost of going out. A friend of a friend of mine and his partner met on the net and they have been together for ages, in fact I think they are getting married. My friend S says it so matter of fact. In fact a lot of my friends are telling me this. I guess at the age of 29 and still being single people feel the need to tell you this after the tenth time of you and them catching up and them asking, again, so seeing anyone? no, no, just me still............ [cue tumbleweed and sound of crickets] um...... (realising I have become a social faux pas) I guess I haven't had the opportunity, you know, to meet the right person? (I ended this as a question because at this point I don't what I'm saying)

At this point into the blog I just want to state (before you all go accusing me of being some Carrie/Bridget Jones wanna be) that I know being single is not the end of the world. I am somewhat intrigued at the fact that it comes so easy to some and not to others (IE me) and I am just wanting to explore that. I mean I actually thought that it would just all work itself out by now - I thought it was part of life's story - It was all very possible (and likely) to end up with a shit partner and thus partnership but you had one all the same. But as a surprise to me I can't even seem to get the shit ones to stay.

So, acknowledge that there is a problem, the problem however, I am assured to by friends is not me, not at all (well that's a relief) but the time that we live in - it's just impossible to fit everything into these modern days. I mean I wanted to be educated, be focused on my own career, my individual outcome and obviously that has come at a cost - not meeting Mr right because my attention has been on other things - so best trot off to the internet and make up for lost time.

Oasis, RSVP, Adult Matchmaker, hot or not, e harmony, fling finder (for the person far too busy to even rock up to a bar and say to the nearest person "oi fancy a fuck?"), plenty of fish (amusing - nothing like a witty pun to make you feel less of a freak) - Nowerdays there is a plethora of these sites just waiting waiting to have your profile installed and they are seriously high tech and very detailed these days which caters for ye olde science of attraction. I think back to the first days when these sites were just starting and wonder whether there was a serious number of mistakes happening or just a serious lull in partnership success. Some of the sites didn't provide photos or if they did some of the photo uploads compressed the image so that the end result was seriously distorted had you put a large file up - so you went by personality, which one might say, is being less shallow - but I think we all needs to face the facts here - beauty and attraction are part of the equation here, it's an intrinsic part of evolution governing laws of health and fertility. Symmetry and proportions, vocal sounds and even scent help us know whether we match well with a partner and will have the opportunities to have have lots of robust babies to continue our legacy. There are even some sites that allow a recording of ones voice to see if you like how the other sounds! I'm yet to find one that allows you to save your scent - so that it puffs out onto whoever has come across your profile!

A site called ok cupid combines all of this - allows you to show your physical side whilst asking you an array of questions in a survey to determine your morals and values of this world and match you accordingly (if you want you could answer all 20000 questions - the more you answer - the more definite the match) So great - we (site makers) are using the technologies properly now to make more "real life" type of decisions on potential partners. And whilst I find it somewhat interesting and mostly amusing, I can't help feeling as I answer the question of "If I was an animal - what would you be?", that we have somewhat regressed despite the 21st century capabilities of getting in touch with the 50000 other losers, I mean datees, that have lucked out in the real world.

I can't help feeling that I have just slapped a big FOR SALE sign on my forehead and I'm brokering myself through a concoction of witty short worded statements and a 10MB image upload limit. I mean our fore mother and fathers have worked very hard to be rid of the family ball and chain making marital decisions for us yet here we are, posting profiles and allowing virtual inspections as if it were a normal business deal much like the pair of pants you are trying to sell on your ebay account - 1 nearly new and without tags nearly 30 year old, only serious bidders may apply. And I have the gaul to look curiously at Indian friend Jatz who's brother was just introduced to his now wife and think that this is a weird and wacky cultural thing to do - my god my photo is on a webpage and according to text messages about 15 dudes have me pinned to their favorites page! And I still haven't said a word to any of them - not even in writing. That's what is fucked up. If we are regressing this far back can't someone indulge me by introducing the paper love letter back into common fashion. A request to merely sit next to me in a public place or to hold my hand or even talk to me, if we are going back this far can we bring the good parts back too? The sonnets, the poems, the communication for god sakes!

It makes me ask the question what am I doing this for? Is it all biological - Am I just pre-programmed like an outlook reminder to say oi, don't forget this oven has a warranty and you are getting very close to it's use by date. Surely not, It has to be more than that - I need it to be more than that. And I would say given that I haven't ovulated naturally in the last year (yes sorry bodily function details alert) I would say I don't hold the best chance of procreating given that I am not even generating the hormones to keep the system going, so I would say the hormones are not what is driving me. Another point of evidence is my appallingly shocking choice of men - I can't say that may choices have ever driven by biology to find a good mate given that they all seem to be as poor as fuck and wouldn't even be able to support themselves let alone a family and the dweeby guys I seem to favour are not yelling out "good genes" to me.

I know all you scientists out there don't believe in love but surely romance has something to do with it. So many stories are based on love, so many songs, so many poems verbalise the crazy manic feeling we get when we meet a significant other, in fact you scientists have shown that a brain in love is much like the brain of the insane. Insanity is not something to do with good breeding that's a feeling we want all to ourselves - the ultimate abdication of our sensible self. It's the feeling people ride roller coasters for, or bungy jump, or skydive. It's that raw nakedness of not only skin but soul and secrets thats given up to become a shared commodity - theres no hiding from a loved one - they witness the craziness, the dirty parts, the clean parts, the sexy parts, the smelly parts - all in ands outs of you.

But that feeling goes away doesn't it? So it can't be all about the romance because the craziness goes and the smelly parts stay - so is it trust I'm looking for? Correction that I need to look for? Given that my choices are obviously not engaging trust and therefore are so short lived. My girlfriend recently told me that her boyfriend said to her that when she washed her lady bits in the shower she reminds him of a monkey.... no shit. This same girlfriend told that once, when she farted in the car, she quickly auto locked the windows and took sheer delight out of his reaction of encountering it and then having no accessibility to any fresh air. What is that!? Other than pure openness and trust in another.

And then there is companionship. I don't want to come across as a loser but I think I may have just had one too many dinners sitting alone in my apartment, looking at the wall (or facebook). Perhaps even my cooking skills may increase if I feel I cooking for someone other than me, I mean my carrot cutting skills are seriously below average. Either that or I will start to get a better range of food being cooked for me! That and I may tidy up a bit more - there's nothing like a person to impress to get your living standard out of the gutter - right now sometimes I feel I'm on par with a homeless person, I'm so lazy. Plus in the last couple of weeks I've been a little poorly and there's nothing like having someone around to make sure you don't die of the common cold and if you do to make sure you are dealt with and it doesn't take a funny smell 5 days later being reported by neighbours. I know, a tad dramatic, but really just having someone around to hear a couple of your thoughts and opinions would be nice, you end up saying them into the air to no one when you live on your own (I'm dead set true about this, it's not made up) about something funny you read on the internet or whether the movie you are watching is totally shit and the silence that follows it, is deafening.

Ok then Lexi, what do you want then? What are you looking for? describe him? My girlfriend put me on the spot after one of my single rants and you know what after I blabbered around the subject for a little while I realised I have no freaking idea what I want. I can't describe him, I can't picture him, I can't imagine myself with him at all. But this is ok and this is probably why I have failed so dismally at the online dating saga. We need to just let it be, I need to stop questioning myself and my abilities cos my friend Felicity hit the nail on the head for me. What's the point of analyzing it Lexi, is it going to be any less confusing, is it going to refine the want any more? The fact of the matter is that there is a yearning, a want to find, a need to find and it occurs naturally and it encompasses every point that has ever been dissected and we are none the wiser because it just is, we. just. are. Just go with it. So this is what I'm going to do - I'm going to get out from behind the For Sale sign (and quite frankly I think everyone else who is online dating should as well - with the amounts of profiles out there we would have enough people to fill a gazillion bars and venues - so c'mon people lets just say hi to each other, what the hell are we all scared of?) and I'm just going to accept the want that is burning in my belly and be open to getting it - whatever it is and stop looking for the reason why not, am I doing it wrong, how can I do this better - those answer are not there and they are not going to help and being frantic about it is not going to help either. Just accept. Just be.

(And maybe ask better questions like - what do you think the best way of cutting carrots is?)

xx

PS. I just wanted to write some of my favourite lines from songs or books that I just adore that represent love to me.

" I wish that you wanted me, I wish that you needed me, I wish that when I said 2 sugars, you knew that actually I meant 3" - Kate Nash

"My phone is on vibrate..... for you" - Rufus Wainwright

"From the top of the mountain. Every morning I walk towards the edge. And throw little things off like: Car parts, bottles and cutlery Or whatever I find lying around. It's become a habit. A way to start the day. I go through all this before you wake up. So I can feel happier. To be safe up here with you" - Bjork

"The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love" - Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez (And there is more where that came from - so many pearls, it's hard to just choose one.)

If you have any quotes that some up love for you - I would love to hear them