Merry Bloody Christmas! Ho Bloody Ho.

"I can't help detesting my relations. I suppose it comes from the fact that none of us can stand other people having the same faults as ourselves."

Oscar Wilde

With a rush of urgency I hopped on a tram to the city - it was xmas eve and I was still down 3 presents. We had been given an early mark from work which gave me an extra couple of hours. I had arranged a traveling date with my work mate Racheal and she most obligingly took my bags under her very capable wings arranging to fly by in a taxi and make a stop with me before we hurtled off to the airport.

At this time of year one must "prepare for battle" as they head into the Christmas buying crowd. Too many times in the past few weeks since returning from overseas and realising "Fuck are we in December already?, holy crap I have no time, why do the years keep getting faster and faster, it's not fair, breath...breath" I ventured to the shops in an "everyday frame of mind" - allowing everyday thoughts and wonders to creep into your head and having the pace of a snail - wrong. I was eaten up every time. Every shop you entered seemed to be full to the brim of people as if the shop had decided to try a world record of the most people in one tiny shopfront, some pimply kid on summer hols called Brad has been given the summer job of directing the job and he is doing a splendidly shit job of trying to pick up those young girls wearing cutoffs that are leaving nothing to the imagination and trying to achieve some sort hair do that you got when one of your friends gave you a "noogie" as a kid (who would have thought that would become the popular??). A summer lass called Sally is in the corner wrapping presents so badly the thought actually crosses your mind that she might be retarded due to the fact that no one seems to be minding her efforts - but you soon realise that everyone in the wrapping queue is a man and are just totally lazy bastards who would possibly reach the same effect with their own attempts.

oh god I stopped moving - I am suddenly thumped by a load of shopping bags with then pushes me into someone else and I begin to feel like pin ball whirling around a slot machine. Retreat, catch breath, consider going in again, decide against it. Safe decision however this is how I am now at the point of the eve of the most famliest day of the year and 3 presents down. What a failure. But I have time so here I am the sense of urgency is preparing me greatly to do this swiftly and quickly, I feel myself rise to the challenge.

1 present down, 2 presents down - I am feeling ace. Damn what do you mean you just sold the last one? ok road block but it's ok, re-group Alexia re-group, call from mum, she needs almond oil (what the fuck for?) but it has given me focus and purpose while I think of present 3. Shit that health food is shut hmmm, oh I know another one and on the way, like a light bulb flash I deviate for a moment and smack down present number 3 (oh yeah oh yeah), however still almond-oil-less and running out of time, quick, success with the second health food shop - have slight difficulties deciding on which of the 3 almond oils I should get but make a choice..... and whilst I am surrounded by health products promising me of a life with a better me... don't mind if I do. Purchases made - quick look in Mag nation because I just can't help myself, I step into that place, breath in the magazine smell of goodness and I'm already feeling more relaxed. Call from Rach she is on the corner, race down, hop in cab and we are on our way.

Get a call from the airline they just canceled my flight, typical, but can get me onto an earlier flight, not typical, this journey is turning out better than I planned, I even start to get a little excited about Christmas and perhaps enjoy a little daydream of a family together overjoyed with seeing me and so thankful for the gift and how did I get it so right....

The airport on the eve of xmas is an exciting place to be, there is a sense of comradery as everyone is traveling for the same purpose. There is also a sense of intensity as all the flights are always either late or canceled and everyone is challenged to make it to their destinations on time. Whole families, new couples, old couples, new babies, singles all traveling to see loved (or unloved) ones, lots of hand luggage with wrapped presents poking out the top, ginger bread houses, bottles of wine - all trying to make it there before midnight, The C day.

So Christmas day came and went and not a moment too soon, remember that day dream? Well it was definitely in my dreams. I came home to a sister who I would say is a full blown alcoholic based on the fact that she had the smell that bus have that you get stuck next to on a tram and spend the rest of the trip breathing out your mouth, I never once saw her without a drink in her hand and I found empty bottles of beer in the back seats of cars and in the shower, she was preaching things like she is not a conformist or trapped by anything and wants to be free of possessions hence the reason she had got no gifts for anyone else and was giving things of hers preloved so she could rid herself of possessions, lovingly wrapped in newspaper I received a pair of nerd glasses. She also is convinced of being able to read peoples minds and believes that President Obama is the devil. The devastating part is that she honestly believes she has it all under control and that we are the crazy ones every time we try to talk about this issue of hers - truly sad - but the responsibility is hers to decide to live or not - I hope she does she possesses a great deal of talent and soul.

My father was a shit the moment he walked in the door he had the look about him that he wanted to pick a fight with someone - he had accidentally just made a mistake by going into the wrong toll booth at the Eastern Distributor and had to pay an $8 fee online, my father being the mature adult that he is, decided someone was going to pay for this and I guess I found my way into the firing line trying to, once again and unsuccessfully, protect my mother from being the chosen one (really why could they not have divorced like normal fucking parents - why is he still coming around to my mothers on Christmas fucking morning?) I think there comes a time where you have to say yeah I know I happen to be half of your genes but you make my life feel like shit every time I see you so perhaps we should just shake hands and go our separate ways

My poor mother, bless her heart still lives with the dream that one day we will be like a "normal" family and act "normally" - after 28 years I think one has to come to terms with it's never going to happen and actually do something together that makes us feel good about ourselves - I have finally convinced her to come to Melbourne for Christmas next year - I will take her to the carols and we will finally have a happy time of it.

Most of my family presents (excluding my mothers) were met with a perplexing "why" look - which makes me think A) I don't think I really know or understand my family at all and B) Why do I go through the hideous spouts of battling crowds for this and C) Why the fuck are we still doing presents? You know the ones where you have to get something for everyone and spend a little amount of money on some shit which altogether adds up to a large amount of money, why haven't we figured out that we buy ourselves a mega awesome rad super fucking cool ace gift for ourselves and then play show and tell? Note to self must drop that one into the suggestion box.

The last hideous part was that you spend the whole day on your toes thinking of the right thing to answer to your grandparents who essentially hate each other but realised it too late and are spending the rest of their lives with different opinions on everything for the sake of it, so answers to questions by them need to be neutral in case one is playing the other off using the poor grandchild as a pawn. I must of dropped my guard as suddenly the alarms bells are screaming, not the beep beep ones that just make you alert but the whoop whoop ones that are telling you to get the fuck out of there fast. A complacent agreement to consume a glass of champagne if grandad did indeed open the bottle left my grandmother saying did you see that he nearly hit me - now the day is over and my grandfather curled over with his forehead on the kitchen bench muttering the words why are you doing this when I'm about to die. Damn my need and pleasure for bubbles - damn them to hell.

The only upside being that the champagne was indeed opened anyway and I was forced a glass and a toast was made to me at the end of it all, it was all met, thank goodness, with fits of laughter from the clan and laughter was mainly shared by the group for the rest of the afternoon because really at that point what else is there to do.

I can't help thinking I may have been born into a family with a dark cloud hanging over its head and nobody can see the wood for the trees. They are too busy doing things that they should do, at the cost of themselves regardless of it making them miserable, they have forgotten that life doesn't have to be that hard, that we have choices and if it bloody kills me I intend to break the mould. I'm going to stop putting pressure on myself because socially something may be the right thing to do and actually do the right thing by me, see what is good for me, step away from it all and see everything in its true perspective - it's just a silly day, which started as a coming together but has ended up putting everyone out and laying think pressure over everyone weighing them down - its time to stop now.

"If you've had wonderful family relationships, you will be able to call yourself a true success in life no matter what else you've achieved."
Vic Conant..........

........ But I'm going to call you a fucking liar.